Does Not Play Well With Others

I'm currently involved in a group project. This is a problem. Despite practically demanding the company of others at all times in my life, I do not play well with others. I don't know when this first became apparent to me. I hide it well, but deep down, every time I am involved in a group project I spend most of my time convinced the others will fuck it up, and then being equal parts smug and frustrated when they invariably do.

I blame my mother.* As a child nothing we did was ever good enough. Oh no, not a seeking therapy for feelings of rejection, not good enough. But just that happy level of, 'Oh, you stuffed that up? Yes, well, I expected as much. Move over while I fix it up!' That's normal, right? Right!?

Anyway, my partner in this ill-fated excursion into teamwork is fantastically incompetent. Delete-Microsoft-Word-from-one's-computer-the-day-before-a-deadline style incompetent. So this exercise has done little apart from affirm my smug sense of superiority and further justify my preference for flying solo.

Thus endeth today's insight.


*don't we all?

You're Doing It Wrong

Over the past 18 months many of the blogs I read regularly started to shut up shop. But their absence makes me feel no less nervous about starting my own. An internal struggle takes place between worrying that someone* might read your writing and judge it, and desperately hoping that someone** might read your writing at all. Sigh.

My current project is not close to complete. There is sun and chirpy birds today. "All the better to taunt you with, my dear."

I'm firm that I will not classify this as procrastination. Watching crap Mel Gibson movies until the wee hours of the morn is procrastination, searching through friends' facebook photos is procrastination, watching bands you don't particularly care for stumble ill-humouredly through interviews with oblivious hosts is procrastination. This is serving a purpose. This is a project to ensure that I write. Every day. Not analysis, not critique, not formulae as required by my work, but just write. For me.

But if just for me, why am I fearing the (apparently) inevitable interwebs put-down: You're Doing It Wrong?



*you admire
**with terrible taste, obvs.

The first...

I've never been a particularly creative person. Maybe it is a lack of confidence in my abilities. Maybe it is a lack of ability... When people ask I tell them that cooking is my creative outlet. But every time I cook I carefully follow a recipe. Not quite creative.

I have a funny relationship with creativity. A very old boyfriend was creative. I was jealous. I'm still jealous.

So, I want to nurture something I'm hoping exists, very very deep inside.

And now it's done. The very first post.